Hello Loves!

Hi Guys!!!!! So lots have gone on since my last post. I have gone into an outpatient treatment center for a month for a borderline eating disorder, depression, anxiety, and self-harm. I have been discharged from that program. I have acquired a full fledged Eating Disorder. And I am currently waiting for a bed at Timberline Knolls in Lemont, IL. I am freeeeeakkkinnngggg ooooooouuutttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!! In all of this waiting for a bed and stuff, my anxiety and eating disorder and self-harm have gone out of control!!!! I dont want to mention numbers or anything because I dont want to trigger anyone but I will say I have been restricting, purging, cutting and having anxiety attacks. Because of my anxiety I have been..... over preparing... for my stay in treatment. Let's just say that I have had my clothes packed for a month now. Also, I have been having some OCD symptoms latley. I'm not sure if i actually HAVE OCD but I have some weird rituals when it comes to weighing myself. Like, I have to step on the scale with my right foot, *weigh*, step off with my left, tap the scale with the right foot to reset, put my left foot back up, *weigh*, and repeat the last weigh in. I weigh my self 3 times 3 times a day. But yeah.

So anyways, This whole situation is really freaking me out.
Thank you for reading this cause it was really scatter brained and depressing!
Love you all!!!!!
<3 Mandie <3

OH! PS, Check out my YouTube Channel for more updates :-) Flattswiftluvers2

Updates :-)

Hello my bloggy friends!!!

I realize I have been very naughty in updating this blog but since I have absolutely NO ONE who reads this blog and it acts as more of a diary or journal (which I have a bad rep of keeping) I feel very unmotivated. BUT! I have come across a new blog (*cough* notmartha.org *cough*) that has almost all of things that I (a relatively simple to please person) care about. Food, Crafts, Baking, and Links to things related to the preceding. Plus, even though I have less than zero readers today, the little fairy named optimist (she comes out every few months) told me that I may have some readers in the future and what would they read??? So, alas, here I am! Plus for those in the future who are inquiring about my health i have some updates. And for those who are reading just for the cute pictures of Jazzy (for those who don't know jazzy is my currently 2 5/6 years old {look everyone Mandie just reduced a fraction!} adorable, sweet, sometimes nutty whippet mix whom I love more than anything in the whole world. Seriously people shes suckling while all curled up sleeping next to me. It doesn't get much cuter than that.) I will be taking some new ones and posting them as soon as physically possible. And for those who are tuning in to read about my adventures of sleeping around the world, well, you have the wrong blog. ;-)

So, I encourage you non/future readers to stay tuned cause a lot of fun recipies, pictures, and maybe not so fun fibro updates are coming your way!

I love you all like I love puppies and pink and Taylor Swift. And thats real love.
Sarcastically yours.
Mandie

Missing the ones you love.

It may be the fact the I am in a flare up of my fibromyalgia right now. It may be the fact that I am depressed. Or it may be the fact that I haven't really talked to my best friend in almost 3 months but lately I have been really missing my best friend in the whole world. I feel like shes the only one who really gets me and right now I feel like shes pulling away. I know recently she has had a lot on her plate and I respect the fact that I am incredibly clingy and that she may not care for me as much as I care for her and I don't blame her or feel angry at her about that. In fact there are so many times I cant even count where I have wished that I wasn't so clingy because that seems to, at least in my case, turn people away. but I cant change who I am even though I have quite a few things that I would like to change about myself. So I would like to reach out to my blog friends and ask how do you all  fill in the hole that is left by a friend or family member who has either left your life or is seen sparingly in it.

Love, Spoons, and Gentle Hugs to all and I hope you all had a nice Labor Day!
Mandie <3

First day of school

Hi all, as you may know, i took a year off of college to try to get my health under control last year. although my health has still not improved, I've decided to take two classes this semester to see how it goes. yesterday was my first day back and it was good. i had some issues with being up that early and i was in a bit of pain from the night before. but i made it to my intro to black and white photography class o time and ready to go. it was pretty boring cause everyone knows the first day you don't really do anything but go over the syllabus and discuss what you need and what you will be learning in the class. i found out that the camera that i received from my mom to use for the class what the exact same one he gives everyone to use so i don't have to rent one from him. i also found out that tomorrow i get to make a pinhole camera from cardboard and duct tape tomorrow! exciting! at a little something to see how i felt after.

When i got home i talked to my best friend on skype for about an hour and then checked my school email. i got an email from my intro to psych teacher about completing an exercise for 5 bonus points so i started that before i started to get really ill and decided i should probably sleep it off.

this morning, however, i woke up shaking and in a cold sweat and incredibly nauseous. i took some meds and went back to sleep. i woke up again about 3 hours later and decided to finish the exercise and get up and eat something to see how i would feel after. i watched a little tv and then i started getting really sick and have been on my butt ever since. apparently i picked up a bug from being at school for ONE DAY. ugh.

how was your first day?

Hello Again.

so the fact is is that nobody even reads this blog so it dosent really matteer that i havent posted in like 6 months but still i feel a little guilty not writing in so long. so heres a little writing snippet from my journal

*~~~*FEAR*~~~*

Right now all i have in my life is fear.

It is a constant.

Fear of not getting well.

Fear of getting well.

Fear of losing the people I love.

Fear of being alone forever.

Right now fear controls my life.

I just wish I wasn't so afraid, you know?

~Love always <3

*Mandie*

success! sort of :-/

So I'm at the end of the road with physical therapy! I originally went in for pt to help my ehlers-danlos syndrome which is a connective tissue disease. it basically means that the ligaments that hold my joints together is really weak and i dislocate a lot. so ive been doing warm water swimming therapy to strengthen them. and i am so happy to say that its working!!!! ive been having less dislocations and feeling more stable in my movements and balance. its a lot of work and i plan on continuing swimming and hopefully escalating the difficulty and reps. the only downside is that my fatigue and pain has dramatically increased. And the only meds that i have for pain is norco and i dont like to use it cause it makes me really foggy. oh well ill deal!

love and spoons!

Mandie

first post! :-)

Okay so ive deiced that im going to be a good girl and start posting on here more often. im thinking this can be sort of a journal for me while keeping people who want to be updated, updated on my health and my journey through the ever so interesting healthcare system.

So! with that, i will let you know what happened at the doctors these past few days!! on friday i think it was, i went to the neuro. i got refered to this neuro because i have been having tons of problems with feeling like im going to puke everytime i eat anything. it gets really annoying after not very long. so anyways i went to a gi and tons of test later i found out that i needed my gallbladder out so that happened the beginning of november. it turns out that even though i had 50+ stones in there it was not what attributed to my nausea. SO after that fiasco, my gi basically gave me 2 options. go to mayo clinic (again, i had already been there the beginning of 08 and thats where i got diagnosed with fibromyalgia) or go to a neuro to see if it has anything to do with my brain. you can guess which one i chose. so i went to go see my gis best friend who just happens to be a neuro. he had me get an mri to make sure it wasnt ms, which was the only thing that he could think of that would attribute to my symptoms of balance problems, memory issues, and chronic nausea. it came back clean like i knew it would and now he basically thinks its just anxiety cause its the only thing that he can think of that would fit the symptoms. which really ticks me off cause i am sooooo sick of everybody just putting everything off as depression or anxiety cause i have so many health problems to begin with when really the only thing that even starts to get me depressed is the fact that these fricken doctors wont take me or my symptoms seriously!!!!

okay i think thats enough for today hahah i dont want to raise my blood pressure too much!

peace love and spoons!!!

mandie